I Didn't Want To

I let you go,

but don't you dare think for a second that I wanted to.

I let you go,

because I saw you with her.

You always used to say my name when walking by me,

I remember it like it was yesterday.

You were walking with her,

your ex-girlfriend,

you were walking with her.

I asked you if you were in love with her,

you refused to answer.

I let you go

because my heart cannot take it anymore.

I let you go because I can't walk around with this hope in my heart anymore.

I let you go,

but don't you dare think,

not for one second that I wanted to.

Deleting our texts was like nails on a chalkboard,

unfollowing you on Instagram made me physically sick.

Some say I give up too easily,

but I know I don't.

I tried so hard,

you know that.

I texted you every random thought that popped into my head,

I loved you with every part of my being.

But you still loved her,

I knew in the deepest parts of my heart that we wouldn't work out.

I knew that,

I didn't want to accept it,

but I knew it.

I let you go,

because keeping you inside my soul,

hurt so bad.

It hurt so fucking bad,

but it also gave me so much happiness when you would talk to me.

I let you go because I had to.

I let you go because I needed to.

I let you go,

but don't you dare think that I wanted to,

don't think it was easy.

Letting you go was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Letting you go was like quitting an addiction.

I can't blame you,

because I was the one who convinced myself that we were a possibility.

So, I'm sorry for ghosting you,

but you probably didn't notice.

I let you go so that I wasn't holding onto a false hope.

The thing that hurts the most is that in the end,

we didn't get to make out in the bathroom,

or wake up and make each other breakfast.

We didn't get to go stargazing on valentine's day,

and we didn't get to kiss on New Year's.

What hurts the most is that we weren't together,

and we didn't get to fall in love,

yet my heart is still completely shattered.