Watching Him Be Extrordinary

I have always been waiting to be the person I truly wanted to be.

I have always been sitting alone in a bathroom stall thinking up ways to change who I am.

At first I was a little girl, always searching for something more,

a dark tale that perfectly explains how she got to where she is,

a secret dying to come out,

I was a little girl crying out for attention and yet has gone unnoticed.

No one talks about the pain you feel when your sibling, your supposed womb mate,

is better than you,

will be more than you,

in the end.

I was a little girl who wanted to dazzle everyone she met,

I wanted people to remember me,

I wanted people to see the potential in me that they saw in him.

I wanted a safe bet,

something I didn't have to work too hard for,

something I could do that was better than everyone else.

A god given, deeply ingrained purpose that others could see in me.

Eventually I shoved that little girl deep down inside me,

hoping she would never get out.

I didn't want to be jealous of a 12 year old.

I wanted someone to be proud,

someone to think I was astonishing.

Someone to tell me,

that I was the best they had ever seen,

like they had told him countless times before.

I tried on different personalities like hats,

the one lying her way to being loved,

the one convincing herself it was okay not to be in recovery,

the one trying everything she could to fit into what should've been her place.

But even through all of this the one thing I really want,

the one thing I'd kill to get,

is the appreciation, the respect, the pure shock factor

that he does.

I've always wanted what he had.

I probably will always want what he has.

The promise he shows,

how my entire family knows

that he is going to be something,

and although they don't say it,

I know that in the end

I will just be ordinary watching him be extraordinary.